Greetings from the front desk

Did you know there are more than 16,932 hotels in Los Angeles? Each of them seems to cater quite specifically to their own unique clientele. Even the simple act of checking in varies widely depending on where you’re staying for the night.

If you keep an ear open in each of these hotel lobbies, this just might be what you hear.

The hipster boutique hotel

Welcome to Vivify. Can I get a pour over started for you while you’re checking in?

We’ve got you down for two nights in the Ginsberg suite. In your room, you'll find a complimentary mandolin, typewriter, rotary phone, origami flower, polaroid camera, and a poem personally written to you by last night's occupant.

Here’s a list of passwords for the hotel’s six hidden bars if you’re in the mood for a craft cocktail. Little hint, if you see an oversized oil painting, chances are there’s a speakeasy behind it.

If you’re hungry, we have 24-hour brunch service available. I recommend the flaxseed porridge.

If you need anything else, let the front desk know via telegram. Stationary is available in the front drawer of your room’s vintage Tanker desk.

The Hollywood luxury hotel

Welcome to Opulent. Is that your Bugatti idling out front? Just throw your keys at any valet, and they’ll get it parked and washed right away, sir.

You were the guest who said they were allergic to most shades of the color green, correct? No problem. Our painters are just finishing their last sweep through the suite. While you wait, maybe you’d like to enjoy a Red Bull based cocktail in our lounge. There’s a DJ booth available, if you’d like to get a quick set in.

While you’re here, please take advantage of our complimentary concierge service. Our staff can get you anything you need. Literally anything. Last week we choppered in Snoop Dogg, the set from “Double Dare,” 10 baby sloths, and Jim “The Anvil” Neidhart for a Saudi prince’s birthday party. We’re still airing out the sixth floor.

The rebranded creepy DTLA hotel

Welcome to Quik Comfort on Spring, formerly known as the Tate Hotel.

You’re going to love it here. Lotta history in this place. Back in the hotel’s heyday in the 1930s, the Tate was considered the premiere lodging destination for LA’s transients, drifters, and outcasts. Back then it was the only hotel in America that rented rooms by the quarter hour.

Oh sorry. Please excuse the film crew. They’re actually using the hotel as a shooting location for a true crime series about the Tate Hotel. Can you believe it? Season nine, and they’re still not out of material.

Fun fact, the entire building itself was actually held as evidence by the Los Angeles Police Department’s cold case department in 2008, before being acquired by the Quik Comfort Hotel Corp and reopened this year.

Let’s see where we’ve got you staying. Oh, nice. Room 301. Did you know that’s the only hotel room in LA that has housed both the Black Dahlia and the Hillside Strangler? Now, if the water in your room starts tasting weir-

Hey! Where are you going!?

The “Hollywood” hotel

Welcome to the Tinseltown Hotel, conveniently located in the heart of Hollywood, right here at Pico and Vermont!

Can I just say, I love your accents. What’s that, Dutch? Anyway, I guarantee you’re going to enjoy your stay in the neighborhood, known affectionately by some as Deep Southeast Hollywood.

You guys interested in seeing big movie stars while you’re here? Well, I can do you one better. You can see the stars of tomorrow right here in the hotel bar performing every Tuesday at 3 p.m. on our weekly open mic night! Just $25 each and a four drink minimum per person per table.