Oh man, this is such a bummer for anyone cool left in New York City: New York City isn't cool anymore. Beyoncé and Jay-Z are moving to Los Angeles, and while the gravitational pull of their enormous reserves of cool definitely could singlehandedly throw the entire cool balance of the US out of whack, that's not what happened here. What happened is that New York isn't cool anymore and Los Angeles is still pretty cool.
"Yeah I'm out that Brooklyn, now I'm down in Tribeca, right next to DeNiro, but I'll be 'hood forever," Jay-Z once rapped about New York. Now that he and his wife Beyoncé and their insanely cool daughter Blue Ivy have moved to Los Angeles, who is left to rep New York City in verse and otherwise? Literally no one except Taylor Swift, and even Taylor Swift knows she's not cool, that's why she tries so hard. Would Beyoncé ever go out with her cat on her arm? No. That's ridiculous. Beyoncé is cool.
Who's moved the other way lately, from Los Angeles to New York? NYPD Commissioner Bill Bratton, for one. You have to be an actual cop or Lindsay Lohan to be uncool enough to leave LA for New York at this point. And if you're thinking well maybe Bratton's a cool cop, no—a few months ago he made a big deal of locking up an anarchist for throwing fake blood on him during a protest. Bratton. Dude. That is so lame. It was just a harmless anarchist with some paint.
And you know what else is uncool? A packed city full of empty luxury towers. Poor doors. Entire blocks owned by Russian oligarchs. Steampunk condos. Bad Mexican food. Taking pictures of celebrities riding the subway. Brooklyn.
And we're not saying Los Angeles is even that cool. Yes, amazing weather is cool, lower rents are cool, good burritos everywhere is cool, legal weed is cool, and being totally laidback and chill as all of America makes the same hacky jokes about you over and over for decades is extremely cool.
But the film industry is totally embarrassing—devoting your life to making bloated CGI boreathons and refusing to put black people in them is not cool. The people who got lucky enough to own their own houses in LA are always being super whiny about what their neighbors are up to, that's a bummer. Glossy megamansions built on spec, like the one Beyoncé and Jay-Z almost bought last year, are basically the Taylor Swift of houses, trying desperately to meet uncool expectations. (Coolness paradox: they could have bought it and lived there and it'd be cool. The creator of Minecraft bought it instead and that's pretty cool, because what?) Soho House for kids? So uncool it's making us wince a little thinking about it.
But Los Angeles is a big place, and unlike New York City, it's got plenty of room for the uncool and the cool to live side by side. And also unlike New York City, it's still cool enough for Beyoncé and Jay-Z.
Bey hanging out with friends at the Beverly Wilshire:
· Beyonce and Jay Z We're Movin' to L.A.! [TMZ]