It's the last week in December, when according to tradition we make up a bunch of awards and hand them out to all the best, worst, and shitshowiest of things that happened in Los Angeles real estate, architecture, and neighborhoods this year. These are your 2014 Curbed Awards.
This year was certainly a wonderful year for ugly houses, but what year is not? While we're very quick to judge, we definitely understand that one man's repulsive trash is another man's perfect treasure, and that for every home deemed "hideous," there are probably a couple fans out there, wondering what all the fuss is about. With that in mind, don't be alarmed if you find one of these houses perfectly wonderful. Do be alarmed if you love them all. Here are Los Angeles's worst listing photos of 2014:
It's tiki time all the time in this Hollywood Hills party pad. Even that giant mounted fish is having a drink!
This "whimsical interpretation of an Old World European Castle" in Glendale looks a lot like a key lime pie inside.
The saddest thing about this Bel Air house is that there are hints that it was probably once very lovely. Now, it looks like every room in the house was assigned to a different sadistic decorator.
Let's put aside the fact that this $22-million house is a cube and focus on the fact that it is filled with golden furniture, golden lamps, golden fireplace ornaments, and golden picture frames.
Don't get excited: that's not a rainwater barrel over the front door of this Encino dwelling, it's just a skylight. A giant, weird skylight.
If your dream home must have a "professional grade natural gas crepe maker" and suffocating rococo decor, it exists in Long Beach and it's going to cost $1.925 million.
The fun extends beyond the odd, white exterior of this $1.995-million "custom neoclassical estate": there are also bathrooms decorated by Tony Montana and all the columns in Southern California. Every last one.
Of this "Seussian nightmare" house in South LA, one could only say, "I do not want it for $390k, I do not want it any day."
Rihanna's rental above the Sunset Strip is infamous for its suggestive pool, but it deserves equal shame for the design of the house itself, which combines the aesthetics of a German industrial music club with the opulence of a person with enough money to know better.
This Diamond Bar residence explains it has "Unique Architectural design in the style of Frank Lloyd Wright," but since when did FLW advocate for "deep garages" and wallpaper that causes instant headaches?
Megamansion architect Richard Landry has designed giant houses for celebs like Tom Brady and Gisele Bündchen, and Mark Wahlberg, but the rustic, 4,000-square-foot Malibu home he designed for himself was described by one Curbed commenter as a great space for a Claim Jumper restaurant, and "like a Bubba Gump Shrimp co." by another.
Was this Bel Air house purposely designed to remind anyone who sees it of The Scream, or is the house just expressing horror at the interior decorating, which looks a lot like the 1990s never ended?
Avast, mateys! Here be the ideal home for the pirate of considerable means. Located in land-locked Covina, it has an 80,000-gallon pool with dramatic lighting, water-shooting cannons, and waterfalls.
A real-life replica of a castle from a cartoon with a waterfront view and lots of weird columns and marble inside? Yes, please.
This Beverly Hills townhouse's impenetrable façade hides more ruffles, chandeliers, and mirrored bathrooms than any home should have.