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12 Ridiculous Things to Know About LA's Bullshit Celeb Rehabs

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As Lindsay Lohan returns to rehab (maybe? somewhere?) for the millionth time, The Hollywood Reporter digs into the pretty-bullshit-sounding world of high-end rehabs, which dot the Southland from Laurel Canyon to Malibu (celebrities don't want to travel too far). "[N]o data has yet proved that high-end addiction care produces even a slightly better outcome than garden-variety rehab" (serious rehabbers prefer Hazelden or Betty Ford), and in fact some addiction specialists think it can be harmful to have overly-cushy surroundings while kicking. But super-fancy joints like Promises still thrive. And are totally absurd, obviously:

-- The military's old Lookout Mountain Air Force Station, where it ran a nuclear bomb film unit between World War II and 1963, was recently converted into the One80Center, charging $55,000 per month. Cofounder Justin Carroll says "We have three billionaires with us right now, and no one's complaining."

-- Carroll, incidentally, is the son of a diplomat and a former soap star (Passions).
-- The new One80Center has "a pool, screening room, "Soho House-type" lounge "for the sober community," bells-and-whistles gym ("we want it to be Equinox-level"), auditorium ("for TED-like events") and even editing suites ("we'll have Pro Tools and Final Cut")."
-- They're also putting in "a state-of-the-art recording studio to be named Recovery Vinyl." Carroll says "It's going to look like the hall of fame once we have our friends sign the walls ... It will also be the only one in the business that doesn't smell of pot."
-- "Popular offerings include Reiki, acupuncture, meditation, drumming, painting, paddle boarding and neurofeedback."
-- Some have rooms that cost up to $90,000 a month.
-- They never imply someone's in treatment just because they're in treatment--patients are "always called 'clients,' never 'patients.'"
-- Rich industry people make up about 10 to 30 percent of the customer base at one fancy rehab, "But a sizable quotient of customers is drawn from a middle- and upper-middle-class demo that relies on insurance (which covers a portion of the cost, at best), loans and money taken out of mortgages."
-- The guy who owns Cliffside in Malibu is a giant asshole: "My place is $78,000 for a private room. It's like [Montecito's] San Ysidro Ranch ... You price out the horseshit, the people who are going to be a problem."
-- Manger Jeff Wald got clean from cocaine in the 1980s at the more low-key Betty Ford Center, but "he arrived with nine pieces of matching Cartier luggage and was grimly diagnosed by the first lady herself as suffering from a case of 'terminal uniqueness'."
-- If you're wondering what's hot drug-wise right now, "the facilities report a recent decline in cocaine addiction among local clients, with a rise in prescription pain killers."
-- "For their part, many of the facilities -- including One80Center and Cliffside -- claim to barely break even. The bulk of their monthly rates, they say, fund a high staff-to-client ratio, allowing for more customized care."
· The $90,000 a Month Sobriety Plan: Inside Hollywood's Swankiest Rehabs [THR]
· Military's Secret Nuclear Bomb Film Studio Compound in Laurel Canyon is Now a Rehab Center [Curbed LA]