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Londoner Says LA is the Worst Place in the Entire World Because of Drive-Bys and Scientology

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Los Angeles! People totally don't get it and have a weird snobbery about it! The latest entry in the "yoga studios, poor transit system, failed actors" agony genre comes from Jamie Lee Curtis Taete over at Vice (via LAObserved), who "recently moved from London to Los Angeles" and has found it to be "the undisputed worst place in the entire world." Despite "trying super hard to like it" (and liking LA "be[ing] 'a thing' lately"), he's found himself very irritated by our regional quirks. An accounting:

It's dangerous: "Here, I have to worry about drive-bys and forest fires and mountain lions and 'The Big One' and rattlesnakes and brain-eating parasites and home invasions and fucking TSUNAMIS!" Yep, it totally sucks about all those tsunamis we've been having lately and also drive-bys in neighborhoods populated by white kids who moved here from London. Other cities are so lucky to never have hurricanes or terrorist attacks or anything.

You can't take a train to the bar: "[P]ublic transportation does not exist. And I'm pretty sure cabs don't exist, either ? Then, you have to find somewhere to park or pay a bunch of money to valet, and then line up to get in, and then before you know it you just paid $30 to get into a 'yoga rave' that's ten minutes from ending, you've forgotten where you parked and, oh shit, you got a ticket." Well, no one made you go to a yoga rave.

Hippies: "Every time I think I've met a normal person, I find out they're extremely into some kind of new-age nonsense." Well, no one made you move to Venice Beach in 1994?

Lots of weird alternative transportation: "[I]n LA, not only do people take skateboarding super seriously, there's like 60 other alternate modes of transportation people are into, too. Like those teeny tiny little plastic skateboards, or those bikes where you stand up on them and run." But how else are they going to get to the yoga rave?

Broken dreams: "About 90 percent of the people you encounter here are aspiring (i.e. 'failed') actors." Well, but those people are usually making your drinks, so nothing wrong with that.

Pretentious restaurants: Ok, everyone can agree that Diablo Taco's "urban taco fabricator" tag line is the worst and that Cafe Gratitude's affirmations-based menu is the second worst.

David Spade has a star on the Walk of Fame: "Which, essentially, means that David Spade is one of the city's most celebrated residents. David. Spade." Yeah, but there are like thousands of those things. And Tommy Boy was really good.

The improv comedy scene: "I can't think of any other point in my life where a person has told me that I should go to see an improv comedy show. Because, obviously, improv comedy is utterly crap." Sure, whatever.

Nobody says what their real job is: "So you'll meet someone and they'll say, 'I'm a makeup artist on True Blood,' and you'll grill them on it for like 20 minutes, but they'll be really vague and you'll still have no idea what it is they do. So when you get home, you google them, and it turns out 'makeup artist on True Blood' actually means 'I'm a bartender, but one time I did some work in the building where they make the prosthetics for True Blood.'"

People are scared of Scientology: "On multiple occasions I have started talking about Scientology in a public space and the person I'm talking to will go all wide-eyed and start looking around frantically and whisper-yelling 'SHHHHH!' before saying something vague about 'black listed forever' and 'SUVs with tinted windows running my friend off the road.'" Scientology's a little scary!
· REASONS WHY LOS ANGELES IS THE WORST PLACE EVER [Vice]