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Million Dollar Listing Recapped, Ep 2: Russian For The Hills

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It's episode two of Million Dollar Listing. We're already hoping that Josh Altman is filmed with a football in every episode. So far, this season is off to a slow start - not enough Josh Flagg skeeviness or general broker bitchery. Let's hope there's a slap fight this episode!

This episode Madison Hildebrand gets stuck with young Russian oligarch Ismir who needs a pussy pad in the Hills that will bring in ladies. He states early on he doesn't have time to furnish it or think about design---he just needs a finished place for his "private events" aka orgies. Ismir is also concerned that Madison is "too nice" to do the hard scrabble negotiations necessary to get a home in the Hollywood Hills. Seriously! Come on, Madison. You need to carry a football around like Josh Altman and work on your douchebag face like Josh Flagg. You're in over your head. Time to shank someone to prove how hardcore you are. Instead Madison announces that he likes to "kill them with kindness." Zzzzzzzzzzzz. Madison first takes Ismir to a home at 7201 Woodrow Wilson Dr (video tour), shown by listing agent Burt Bakman. (Also, please feel free to watch Burt's YouTube video diaries, which he films as he drives around town. That's safe.) The 4,765 square foot home features 5 beds/5 baths, a game room and great views of the city. However, there is no "wow" factor and Ismir takes a pass. Burt takes Madison and Ismir to a pocket listing around the corner (Woodrow Wilson to Vermont Ave is around the corner?) that brings Ismir to exclaim "sexy!" at one point. The home at 2508 N. Vermont Ave in Los Feliz was purchased by Jamie Kennedy in 2007 according the the Real Estalker, and features 2,342 square feet, 3-bedrooms and 3.5 baths. The home is listed at $2.5 million. As part of the tour, Burt takes Ismir to the garage where Ismir's eyes bug out at the site of a gleaming, white Shelby Cobra (which Jamie Kennedy just so happened to be photographed driving). Ismir wants Jamie Kennedy's house and his car. Jamie Kennedy is so dead. Next week, we find out if Ismir gets the house/car combo and if Jamie Kennedy's body is found in a suitcase.

Josh Flagg continues to struggle with last week's listing after failing to find a buyer for the corner-lot monstrosity in Encino. It's big, it's orange, it's unsellable. After a few more failed showings, Josh's co-listing agent Todd receives an interesting proposal. Several investors have proposed to partner with the home's owner Monet. By paying him $3 million upfront they have the opportunity to take a cut of the profits if and when said mcmansion is sold. At least that's what we think we heard. With little else happening for this house, this seemed like a relatively decent deal. Josh and Todd plan to tag team Monet during dinner by getting him properly liquored up in order to make him more receptive to the proposition. However, Monet shook the furious bush on his head and turns the offer down. So upset by the offer, Monet storms out of the restaurant clutching a bottle of wine in his fist. Josh and Todd have had enough and decide to give up the listing.

Josh Altman begins the episode by meeting with his mother, Judi, who has flown in from Boston. Judi persuades Josh A. to help out Ruth, an old, old family friend who is ready to ditch her swinging pad in the Wilshire Corridor (get out out now before Justin Bieber brings the screaming tweens) for a place closer to her family in Boston. Josh A. accepts the challenge and goes to visit Ruth in her lovely little condo, where she immediately compliments him on his suit. Ruth tells Josh she is sick of the blue jean wearing hoi polloi that populates LA. The tenth floor condo in the Wilshire Thayer is 1,711 square feet, featuring 2 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms and a view of Century City. The home is surprisingly decorated well - the doilies, emaciated cats, and bowls of hard candy we normally see in old people homes are nowhere to be found.

Josh A. and Ruth agree to list the condo at $669k, an aggressive price to get the home sold quickly. Josh A. leaves the broker's open house in the hands of his dim witted man servant Mikey. Several broker stop by to look at the condo, including Elena, an agent representing a buyer who lives on a lower floor in the building. At a meeting in Josh's Century City office, Elena presents an offer of $625k, all cash, closing in 30 days or less. Josh A. counteroffers with $650k. Elena talks to her client and counters with $645,000, with a stipulation that Ruth act on the offer in 24 hours. Ruth is ready to leave the land of blue jeans tout de suite and accepts the offer. And away she goes. Condo sold.

Highlights:

Madison Hildebrand: Heather, Madison's assistant, believes Madison might have had sweaty man sex after Madison arrives to the office and announces that he is "a sore cookie." Madison lets her down, "Not that exciting... I worked out."

Josh Altman: "I'm not used to working with senior citizens."

Madison Hildebrand: Leases a home overlooking the beach in Malibu for $5,000/month. Is harassed by seagulls who peck at his windows.