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Million Dollar Listing Recapped, Episode 1: Little Dogs from Man Purses

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It's the third season of Bravo's Million Dollar Listing. No, really! The first episode brings back the douchetasticness of last season in full force and we couldn't be happier to catch up with our old friends Chad Rogers, Madison Hildebrand and Josh Flagg. Will Josh be doing deals out of his cell block? Will Chad find a date for his 9th grade prom? Will Madison's therapist come up with new words to define his sexuality? Let's all hope this season is only six episodes long.

The episode starts with a recap of the important points from Season 2 - Madison is often shirtless, Chad likes to touch his hair, and Josh is always aware when the camera is pointing at him and ups his skeeviness accordingly.

Early off, Chad gets a listing--his listing for the episode comes from his laser hair removal specialist, Miss Eugenia (or at least that's what her name sounds like). In his attempt to look more pre-pubescent, Chad has what remaining body hair he has removed because he doesn't want to look like "a monkey." Meanwhile, Miss Eugenia's Studio City home (still on the market!) is too big and she wants to be closer to her job. The 4,545 square foot home features 4 beds/ 4 baths, 6 balconies and canyon views. But it's in Studio City so the house is listed at $1.2999 million. Hmmm. Chad pulls a little dog in a sweater out of his man purse during his client meeting as a way to seal the deal and our mind is officially blown. Despite two open houses, including one where nobody shows, Chad fails to sell the home or even get an offer by episodes end. Chad #FAIL. Has Chad lost his magic house-selling body hair? TBD.

Meanwhile, Madison is summoned by a wealthy Angeleno named Greasy Camillo (ok, that's our name for him) to a car dealership to look at the expensive cars that Greasy Camillo wants to buy. GC also wants to buy four homes, three as investment properties and one for himself for a price between $3 and $5 million. Madison also gets a seller for the episode, Laura Corn, a sex advice author with a 6,000 square foot, 6 bed/ 7.5 bath home in Malibu's Bonsall Canyon community. Madison talks Laura down from the edge when she thinks she can get $6 million for the house and brings her around to $4.4 million. Sold! Only not. Nobody bites and the house faces an unkind price chop by episodes end.
And our favorite perhaps-convict: Josh Flagg gets a listing on Bedford Drive in the Beverly Hills flats, an area where Josh says he is an expert. His listing for the episode is a 4,200 square foot, 4 bed/ 4 bath, two story home built in 1925. The house is a mini disaster with water damage, peeling paint, gold leaf, flowery pillows and kitty litter. Josh lists the house for $3.995 million, a price which he feels will help move the property fast. At his open house, Madison conveniently stops in to take a look for his client. Madison's abhorrence for open toilet seats leads him to decide this house is not for Greasy Camillo. However, Josh reels in a buyer looking to buy a house quickly and in a douchey segment of faux negotiations where Josh writes on a white board and walks on a table, a deal is hammered out with the buyer's belly dancer/realtor (the best combo since Orly Taitz job description of lawyer/dentist/realtor). We tried not to throw our cat at the TV. The house is sold to the guy for $3.5 million, cash. It's all rather contrived. The guy is probably one of Josh's prison pen pals for all we know.

Highlights

Chad Rogers: "It really pays to have good grooming."

Chad Rogers on taking a listing in Studio City: "Real estate is truly about the art of the deal. That's why I'm willing to suffer for my art."

Chad Rogers on the dog he keeps in his man purse: "I figure it's time to calm some nerves with my furry ice breaker... and get this listing."

Josh Flagg: Decides to get a look that reflects the mood of the buyers, so he goes to the Jose Eber salon to get a haircut. Actually, he gets his hair sheared off with clippers. Clippers!

Madison Hildebrand speaking to Greasy Camillo about buying properties in a down market: "Even though the market... sucks, it's difficult... It's crazy." GC: "Madison, I'm hearing a lot of excuses from you right now."

Josh Flagg: "I could sell this [house] even if it didn't have a roof."

Josh Flagg's client to Josh Flagg after drinking a glass of champagne: "You're a man of your word, Josh."

· Previous Million Dollar Listing coverage [Curbed LA]